Yes, we're launching this bad boy on JVZoo.

Click the magic button below to grab your link.

If you want email updates from me about the launch as the frenzy unfolds (always good for a laugh) enter your email over there on the right. Yes that box there, just whack your email addy in there.

And as always - no promoting using spam, link farms or weapons of mass destruction. Cheers.

Enter Your Email For Launch Updates

1st Place Prize:
Tailor-Made Bulletproof Suit ($10000)

Yes.

You no longer have to choose between looking sharp or being a sharp shooter on your missions.

Because the world famous tailors Aspetto in Fredericksburg, Virginia, will kit you out in this top-of-the-range tailormade bullet-proof suit.

You can finally attend events safe in the knowledge those psycho newbies can't assassinate you.

Sleep safe, look smart, stay alive.

Cash Value: $10000

 What better place to hide all your Special Ops weaponry than under your bed?

And just in case someone wants to shoot your guns - you're covered. Because this under-the-bed gun safe is bulletproof.

Go figure.

(German Shepherd attack dogs not included).

Cash Value: $5000

When Trump is President it's only days until the Zombiepocalypse...

So prepare in style with this couture (yet deadly) gentleman's briefcase.

It handily contains an array of weapons designed to maim, injure and kill - perfect for surviving a post-nuclear event in the 21st century.

Enjoy.

(Of course - being that it contains weapons you're probably best taking the cash alternative but you can't deny this things looks cool as hell.)

Cash Value: $2000

4th Place: SAR12C Sniper Rifle for Paintball ($1000)

Want to show the teenagers who's boss at your local paintball establishment while simultaneously maintaining a safe distance?

Then look no further than the Carmatech SAR12C Sniper Rifle.

Patent Pending Bolt Action Operation, Integrated 13ci/3000 Air System and most importantly of all...

Made In The USA.

Show no mercy.

Cash Value: $1000

Every home should have one.

Especially if that home is inhabited by a Special Operative such as yourself.

Now you can toast your enemies (and burgers) without even having to leave the comfort of your armchair.

Ahhh... Happy days.

Oh by the way - these are illegal in some states and most countries so I'll probably send you the money if you win this prize but we can all dream of burning our enemies to a crisp can't we?

Cash Value: $750

What better way to unwind after a day of killing enemy operatives in the field than turning on your PlayStation 4 and killing virtual enemy operatives?

This Black Ops 3-branded bad boy will be the envy of your neighborhood.

It comes bundled with Black Ops 3 itself and some add-on thingie called "Nuketown".

Result? Bags of fraggin' fun for you.

Cash Value: $500

You might not have the chops (or desire) to join the real Swiss Army...

But why bother when you can strap this real Swiss Army watch to your wrist and pretend you're a fighter in the most neutral, non-fighting nation on the planet?

You're not gonna believe this but...

This thing also tells the time. Go figure.

Cash Value: $350

Do you hate flies flying around your house looking like they own their place?

Do you want to blast them right out of the sky with a pump action shotgun loaded with salt?

Sure you do.

That's why I'm giving you a SIX PACK of the world famous "Bug a Salt" so you can splat your way to germ-spreading heaven in your humble abode.

Ready, aim, SPLAT.

Cash Value: $250

Easily scare pets and children without having to leave your armchair with this handy RC tank.

It's green, black and goes like shit off a stick.

And the best part?

It fires real rounds of ammunition.

(Okay I made up that last part). But it's cool as hell anyways...

Cash Value: $175

Yes this Bruce Willis.

Yes he is wearing a Code Red Throat Mic.

And yes you can wear one too and be just like a real Black Ops soldier.

How cool is that?

Answer - purdy cool.

Cash Value: $100